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[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired