Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.