For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.