Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
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HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
me logging onto twitter
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies