Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea