OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
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The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
*has no idea what a book even is*