People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
You Might Also Like
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I’m calling the cops.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.