A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
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he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
that colleague who touches your screen