Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
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Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Life with a cat in one tweet
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order