You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
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3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.