I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Same pineapple, same
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.