I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
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Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Personal question. #JustSaying
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise