Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao