girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
You Might Also Like
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.