me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store