Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
It was worth a shot 😂
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.