Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
so weird how every mom was born today
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please