My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
That time Alicia messaged me
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.