I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
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“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I’m calling the cops.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.