Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
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Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…