Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Just why bro?!
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.