Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
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why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.