Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
A family that plays together cheats.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.