[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
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People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Venn
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.