This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9