Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Doctors texting each other.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.