A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
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“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]