Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.