I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.