Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Why soy sad?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
not seeing the problem
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers