With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
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A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Tier 3 meme
💻🤡
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?