trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
You Might Also Like
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine