Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
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I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I like crazy people until they notice me
Customer is always right
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed