Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches