Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
this has done me in for some reason
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I think this cat is broken
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete