Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
*has no idea what a book even is*
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.