*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
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Jokes on them. I took 10.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*