Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
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I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂