I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence