Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
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billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
How dramatic are you?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.