I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Meow?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.