Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I’m pretty like a car crash.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?