Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!