I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
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To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Mission: Impossible
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
$3 #books
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti