Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.