putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.