I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
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me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
me logging onto twitter
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[at the general store]
me: one general please
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.