If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
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I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Help Wanted
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
iPhone X
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
beware of dog
(jukin media)