Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
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Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I think I’m having a stroke
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman