“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
…u ok Nintendo?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
No chill.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I feel seen
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.