biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
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Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
it was love at first sight
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
🤣🤣🤣🤣
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.